11/26/2013. dear elsie.

Hello.  Do I know you?

Wrong question, sorry.

      I was going to write... For the time being, just to you.  I don't know.  One of my friends tried to commit suicide the other day.  Life is precious, idn't it?  Wanted to help but, I was more angry than concerned.  Can't people see they only get one.  You only got one.  Too short too.  I'd trade... A lot of things.

      I got six days until a lot of things are over.  Don't quite know what I'll do, though.  Life right now, it's just a cycle.  I waste hours doing absolutely nothing in the right way, then I sit up at five in the afternoon and it's all gone.  Then I start to scramble to finish everything.  It doesn't happen like that when I do things with people, but I suppose that's how everything works.  Peer encouragement pressure sort of idea?  Life is as bland as you make it.
      Do you think it's in human nature to eat other people's food?  Ask God for me, please.  It's... 11:26 on November the 26th.  We could have been here, together, for... stuff, you know.
      So I stopped robbing myself.  It felt alright.  Then it felt a little weird... Can't quite put my finger on it.  Not emotional robbery, no.  But it was sort of... Physical and mental, without being emotional.  Hurt.  But it was on a really shallow level.  Eights are out this week.
      Do you remember, sometimes, when neither of us had the gall to speak to each other and it'd go on for weeks, just because we were afraid of being overly eager?  Sometimes, I wish we could just have doggy mindsets and do doggy things in doggy ways, except be toilet trained.  That works out, doesn't it?  I'd much prefer dog than cat in personality trait.  But you know, we're cat people.

Have fun in heaven, Elsie.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.

6/29/2013. dear elsie.

      Remember when you were an awful person, Els, and all I could do was try to, well, play along?  But then I realized, I had my bad days too.  I was going to be there for you.  Just a little bit late, as always.  Me, I mean.
      So, the uh, new glasses; I got new glasses.  They're funny.  Sometimes they stay and sometimes they don't and I have to cremate them to make them fit.  That probably wasn't right, but I like that word.  Enough news and reminisce.
      You know what people don't like to talk about that's always there?  Anger.  Festering anger.  Festering.  I like that one too.  I gave my name to the lady at Starbucks today and she looked at me as if to say, "Well, well.  Another one of... those."  Not sure what she meant, but I was, well, angry.  But just a bit.  Not festering.  I wasn't actually angry, ha.  One of those days when you're not sure if some hotshot celebrities aren't Christians, haha.  What defines work?  I worked a whole day.  I played RPG's the whole day.  However, that is my occupation.  Therefore, I worked a whole day.  Logic doesn't apply.

      Oh, honey bunches of oats.  I didn't fold the laundry yet... it's sitting behind me [glumly.]  My mum just walked by and said, [roughly translated, I'd just tell you in Chinese but, you know, I don't want to write pinyin] "Wow, you still haven't folded the laundry?  Duck sauce."  Duck sauce being a substitute for, you know, that.  Mhmm.

      Guess.  What.  I didn't complain about women today.  Your lucky day.  I'm one hot tomato.  But you know, I'm actually planning to in just a little bit.  Have fun in heaven, Elsie.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.

6/11/13. dear elsie.

      I don't know much anymore, Els.  I just can't reciprocate the way, you know, I'm expected to.  Or the way I think I'm expected to.  I think I can, but it's more of a matter of actually executing.  Speaking out, yeah?  Wish I was Irish.  You had some Irish blood, didn't you?  But... every time I get, you know, close, I just sort of... stop working.  Working the right way.  It's really annoying.  I think she thinks I hate her, really. Or am sort of ambivalent, is that the word?  I'm not.  I don't hate her.  I really, you know... I really enjoy time with her.  But I... ugh.  This is awful.  This whole thing is awful, putting vocal noises into writing is awful, I've got an awful procrastination tool right now which I really don't need.  It's all awful.  Just, bah.
      Well, anyway, I met a man today, his name I can't recall because I never asked for it, but I loved his hair.  It was awesome.  Indescribably awesome.  How indescribably awesome?  I'm having a hard time describing it.  He was cool.  I have sweaty wrists, what's up with that?  Oh, I got a haircut.

      I can't decide whether to tear my whole work apart or just half-ass it the whole way, or week, now it is. And you know my new justification for using the word ass?  It's not original.  If God can use Balaam's ass, he can use yours too.  Quite enjoyable, mmm?  I don't know, I just... can't figure out where to go with life.  I hate being so young.  It's a bother.  That haircut?  It was avant-garde by my mum's standards.  Not mine.  I wanted to shave the whole thing off.  Silly delusion, suppose.
      Indubitably, I just had start my new paragraph off with a razzle-dazzle word.  You know what I mean?  Can't be using "I" and "And" and all that.  I think I'm finished.  Yah.  I didn't spill anything.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.

4/30/13. dear elsie.

      Today, I went out and grew out my hair, Els.  Well, not today, but over a period of time.  If I try really hard, I can cover both my eyes and I look like a mushroom.  I was going to write in May, but I just... felt like writing it now.  I'll write in May too, not like I'm not writing at all.  Right.  How's Ursa?  It's probably nice to have her there, was a bit of a surprise for us when she went up to live with you instead.  Still, at least you have company from down here.  

      Nope, haven't gotten the call back yet.  There's four or five people vying for the spot, so I'm pretty sure I'll get bumped.  I don't mind, I'll just keeping looking for stuff.   Yah?  

      I actually told myself not to tell you to come back.  Must be pretty nice up there, worshiping God all the time and all.  I'm being selfish, yeah... but I think you went a bit too early.  Well, I started again.  Mmmm... I'm trying to decide whether life is worth doing.  Like, for a bunch of years.  But you told me to keep it, so, suppose I will.  Thanks.

      So I took the baseball bat to the computer.  Well, actually just rebuilding it, but uh... you know.  That kind of thing.  I'll let you know later.  Oh.  The firm's doing horrid right now.  Boss is using a totally rubbish business model.  I got acc[here, the text is obscured by some unidentifiable blackish blob.]

Accepted, sorry.  It was blueberry muffin.  You're favorite.

*Your.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.

4/12/13. dear elsie.

"If it's a genuine relationship, well, it's going to just happen naturally. You can't plan for it. If there are weird, awkward feelings, you probably not gonna do so well." Mum and one of my friends told me that yesterday, Elsie. Do you think so? I don't... I can't really relate to that. Isn't it easier being a girl than it is being a boy? Mean, my sis just calls and talks about how some weird guy took her out and she just thought it was friendly and then he did it again, and it was, weird... And Mum and Dad just give her relatively normal relationship, you know what I mean? But, when I do that, they just laugh at me. Heh, maybe because she's older.
      You should come back. I mean, it was fun. Really. Should... just come back and live. Come on. You're cooler than that. Get up. Do you hear me? I do not accept this. You are not going to do that. Again.
      I got a job... You know. I could've come gotten you flowers with my own money. Or Lindt hazelnut, like you wanted. I'm still... just, really awkward with women. It's probably your fault. You're not normal, you know that? You're like, a boy. Compliment. Well, I like to remember.
      You know what I liked? It was like, I, me. I could be the only person talking to you and then, well, and then, we could talk for a long time. That was cool. I can't do that with girls anymore. Like in person. Your fault again. Maybe I'm just trying to compare you to everyone I meat and it's just like, they don't even come close to...
      Oh, [meet], sorry. I'm writing in pen. Where was I? Well I, I don't remember what they don't come close to so, I'll just... You know, you were the best conversation practice partner.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.

3/12/13. dear elsie.

Whatever you can manage.  That's all I ask.  I can take you out for texting and scones.  I can take you out for walks.  But none of those things will ever be, if you can't be here.  
Remember when you ate that last meatball on your plate, and you still had some spaghetti left and you know, and I know, that you can’t eat spaghetti without meatballs. Remember?
Remember when you found out that the larynx isn't a weapon or a part of your leg? Remember?

I can remember. Why did you have to leave? I'm just being a sore loser. But somehow, I don't want to lose. I don't want to lose to anyone. But there's one person I always lose to. He's not even a person. He's not even my dad.

And then ther [here, the text is obscured by some unidentifiable brown substance.]

Sorry, I spilled coffee there.

Signed:

Eisle

For:

elsie, 1913 to 1964.